Question:  My biggest fear is that my boyfriend could be cheating on me or find someone “better” and leaving me for her.

 How do I face this?

-OSR Listener….

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My Answer:

You worry about your mate finding someone “better” and leaving you. You have already done the heavy lifting by identifying the fear. The first thing you should recognize is fear always, radiates from the inside out, not the other way around. That’s important to note because it means it is probably not your boyfriend who feels you are lacking, but you who feel you are lacking.

Two things immediately come to mind. First, if your boyfriend has a history of infidelity, you may be reacting to the uncomfortable reality that he is untrustworthy. If that is the case, you must weigh whether the quality of the relationship in its current state is worth investing time into repairing. Try as we may to assume responsibility for our mate’s lack of commitment, the truth is, he may or may not stop cheating and that decision is totally up to him, not you.

On the other hand, if your boyfriend is faithful and this fear is an inside job, you must recognize you will never feel comfortable in this relationship or any other until you rid yourself of the insecurity that says there is “better” out there to be had. This dilemma is going to be the focus of the rest of this article.

You may tempted to corner your boyfriend and try to get him to make you “feel better about things.” But it is not within his power to do so. The comfort you feel as a result of your mate’s loving encouragement will be short-lived and you will eventually find a way to get back to that familiar place of fear.

You are struggling with a fear of being unloved.  Believe it or not, being afraid that no one will love you stems from self-love that is not fully intact. Somewhere in there, you think you are not enough. So let’s indulge. Go ahead and imagine the worst-case scenario. Your boyfriend cheated and left you for someone else. Now what? What does it mean that he left you? Does it mean you are unlovable? No. It only means he changed his mind about the relationship. Perhaps, he could be more of a gentleman, but essentially, that’s what a breakup is – someone changed his or her mind about the relationship. It’s not easy. It’s painful saying goodbye to someone you care about, but you have it in you to navigate through the pain.

Here are a few more tips to help you get some perspective and tools to help you get a more accurate picture of yourself.

• Fear is a liar. Whenever that fear rises up in you to whisper the lie that you are not enough, call BS then say three little words: “I am enough.”

• Worry is using your mind to imagine a situation you do not want to see happen. Every time you catch yourself using your imagination to dream up more worst-case scenarios, change the dream. Skip right over good scenarios and go straight to those never-in-my-wildest-dreams scenarios.

• I.D. any deficiencies that truly exist in you and create a plan for building yourself in that area. If you don’t cook well and cooking is important to you, watch the Food Network and follow along with recipes. If you lie to others and yourself, start sticking to your guns, speaking and living your truth. If you want a different physique, talk to a personal trainer to find out what you can realistically expect to accomplish with your body type then get to work accomplishing it.

• Recognize your boyfriend has a right to change his mind about the relationship and it’s not a reflection of you. It only means he’s changed his mind. If you take out chicken for dinner then decide to order a pizza, you would probably say, “I’m just not in the mood for chicken anymore.” That doesn’t mean there is anything fundamentally wrong with chicken. It just means you just changed your mind.

• Align yourself with your own personal code. By identifying those traits, beliefs and actions that are important to you, you give yourself a standard by which to measure your own value and success. When you have a code that you live by, you don’t worry so much about not measuring up to other people’s codes. In fact, you may find that by creating a code, there are those who don’t measure up to your code.

Give yourself permission to be you – however flawed, however beautiful, however right or wrong you may be. As you learn to love yourself and get more comfortable in your own space, you will naturally draw to you those who find your flaws, beauty, rightness and wrongness sufficient.